More Than Skin Deep

I do not want to be any more (or even EQUALLY) dramatic as I have been in the past with this blog. I have even more realizations now which I would like to share. I am mainly doing this to expel my negative energy. I do not like to bottle things up. Ever. There is one thing that I have been blocking out for three years. Everybody that knows me well knows that I am a talker. I talk things out. Even BEYOND the exhausting point sometimes. I have realized for several months now that I have been dealing with more than just an acne problem. I am even STILL figuring out the deeper issues that I have been determined to cancel out in my head, body, and spirit. I will flat out say that I am a male who is gay. I am almost 19 years old and it is more than late enough in my life for me to KNOW my sexual orientation. I have felt completely disgusted with myself for a very long time and it is because I have not completely accepted my sexual orientation. From the get-go, I was not brought up to believe that this is "okay." Many of my friends would not be shocked by this at all. Most of my peers were actually fully aware of my exploration with this part of myself during early high school days. I am also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I KNOW that EVERY part of the doctrine of this church is truth. I have felt the truthfulness of it and countless miracles have occurred in my life which sustain my knowledge of the truth. As members of the LDS Church, we are commanded not to ACT on feelings of same-gender attraction. This, as you can imagine, is very conflicting for me. A huge part of me wants one thing while another huge part of me is determined to follow another. I am continuing to figure out how to deal with this issue properly. I do know that as true Christians (yes, members of the LDS Church ARE Christians. You will not convince me otherwise) we are to love and accept everybody. My favorite quote is, "Do not judge me because I might sin differently than you do." I currently am NOT acting on a homosexual lifestyle. I have yet to feel like it is the correct choice for me to follow through with. Side effects with my denial of my sexual orientation are anxiety, depression, body dysmorphic disorder, lack of appetite and ultimately.. weight loss. I stand 5' 10" and carry a fluctuating weight between 115 pounds and 130 pounds. I know... I am pretty darn skinny. I have never been pleased with my ribs sticking out. I have come to the point where I would rather be happy, physically healthy, and have acne pimples covering my face than to feel the emotional distress I now have. My face is much much MUCH clearer now than it was back in October 2011. Yet, I still look in the mirror on a regular basis and hate what I see. For several long months, I have had the notion in my head that if I make myself look flawless on the outside, then everybody else will overlook the fact that I am gay. I felt that if I am gay and "ugly" then I am worthless in every way. Saying it out loud helps me realize how utterly ludicrous that is. It does NOT matter that I am gay and it does not matter if I have physical imperfections. This is all part of being a human being! While it is important to treat acne, obsessing over it LITERALLY 24/7 is not beneficial or normal. The pressures of the media today are so taunting. Many people my age would agree that they all want a perfect, glowing complexion. Not all of these people have an anxiety predisposition like my family and/or Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). Some of you may wonder, "What is BDD?" "Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a type of mental illness, a somatoform disorder, wherein the affected person is concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with a perceived [or nearly nonexistent] defect of their physical features. The person complains of a defect in either one feature or several features of their body; or vaguely complains about their general appearance, which causes psychological distress that causes clinically significant distress or impairs occupational or social functioning. Often BDD co-occurs with emotional depression and anxiety, social withdrawal or social isolation. The causes of Body Dysmorphic Disorder are different for each person, usually a combination of biological, psychological, and environmental factors. Certain types of psychological trauma stemming from mental and physical abuse, or emotional neglect, can contribute to a person developing BDD. The onset of the symptoms of a mentally unhealthy preoccupation with body image occurs either in adolescence or in early adulthood, whence begins self-criticism of the personal appearance, from which develop atypical aesthetic-standards derived from the internal perceptual discrepancy between the person's ‘actual self’ and the ‘ideal self’. The symptoms of body dysmorphia include psychological depression, social phobia, and obsessive compulsive disorder. The affected individual may become hostile towards family members for no reason. BDD is linked to a diminished quality of life, can be co-morbid with major depressive disorder and social phobia (chronic social anxiety); features a suicidal ideation rate of 80 percent, in extreme cases linked with dissociation, and thus can be considered a factor in the person's attempting suicide. BDD can be treated with either psychotherapy or psychiatric medication, or both; moreover, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are effective treatments. Although originally [this] mental-illness diagnosis usually applied to women, Body Dysmorphic Disorder occurs equally among men and women, and occasionally in children and older adults. About 76% of parents think their child is either over conceited or simply lying about their condition. Approximately one to two percent (1–2%) of the world's population meets the diagnostic criteria for Body Dysmorphic Disorder." (Wikipedia). Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a completely negative preoccupation with anything on the body from nose size/shape, to face size/shape, ear size/shape, genitalia size/shape, arm size/shape, waist size/shape, breasts size/shape, smile, teeth, eyes, toes, acne (my category), eczema, rosacea.... the list goes on. Recognizing that this is merely a psychological issue for me above all else is a HUUUUGEEEE step to my recovery. I still "mirror check" my face about 10-30 times a day. Before, it was 100+ times a day. I am determined to change my attitude so I can emotionally and physically function to my full potential again. While my acne USED to be very PHYSICALLY painful and (let's face it) obvious, I was and still am way more preoccupied with it even though it is nearly nonexistent. I still LITERALLY feel like collapsing and/or throwing up at even the TINIEST red mark on my face. That is NOT normal for anybody. I know now that I am taking out my frustration on my skin instead of my frustration with myself and my past in general. Fact is, there is no reason for me to not accept myself. I, just like everybody in this world, am worthy of happiness. I will keep fighting for it. I would describe in great detail what my anxiety and negative thought processes are and what they do to me physically and emotionally, but it would take me hours. No joke. I am considering medication for my anxiety. I am fed up. I have seen 4 therapists and I may need even more therapy. I know that this may sound to you like I am over dramatizing my predicament. It is completely okay if you think that. What is important is that I know that I am being 100% truthful right now and this awful, emotionally and physically draining lifestyle needs to be put to rest before I can't take any more. Few people can understand how this feels unless they have experienced it. Again, I COMPLETELY acknowledge that there are countless numbers of people who deal with worse challenge than what I have been dealing with. I am deeply sympathetic to them even though it is difficult for me to imagine experiencing worse things. I know that I have been blessed in MANY ways as well. I am continuously grateful for Heavenly Father and His son. For Jesus Christ to take on every single burden of this life is so far beyond my capacity. I know that everything will come together in the end. “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).